Chapter One

Since the first time I started to think about a web log I was wandering what I would write about...all I knew was that I needed to do it...all of you that ever felt this way will understand this urge.


You see, I don`t have many people around that understand my condition...even now is hard for me to write about it. Funny, I always considered myself a fearless woman. But those words are still pounding in my head like a hammer, and my heart starts running wild every time I remember: "at this moment, the diagnosis for cancer is confirmed...do you understand? You will never have biological children...we will do everything to save you... trust me, after this you will have a normal live."


Is he joking? A normal life? What normal life? And what is this he saying...cancer? Not so long ago I was talking with another doctor that assured me that I can go ahead and have as many children as I want...I`m healthy and strong as a rock...an Iron Lady he said. Now I`m standing here looking at this other doctor and I`m smiling...I am amazed of what he is talking about...everything starts to develop in front of me like an old, bad movie...."you need to make some other tests, a CT scan and an MRI..." His voice was fading away as my mind tried to understand something ...to find a clue in all this nonsense...


I was tough. The doctor and his assistants were looking at me, trying to see something on my face that will betrayal what I was feeling inside...prepared if I were to burst into tears or make a scene... prepared to do their job, like machines. Little did they know that I was a machine too, trained not to show what I feel...ever.


I`m going home now with my husband. We are in our car. He is not saying anything but I know he is shouting at God inside. Even though I`m not saying anything, I`m crying ...I finally have the answer...funny...I never questioned the diagnosis. Like I was waiting for everything to start. Even when I did the colposcopy and the doctor took some samples for biopsy, reassuring me that its just for safety measures, I had this feeling that now the journey starts and I am embarking in a very special trip meant for me to change. I was scarred because I knew its serious, but I just could not escape the feeling that my entire life I was preparing for this moment...and for this moment only.


I try to remember the first moment I felt that something terribly wrong was happening with me and as much as I try to avoid it I know in my heart that happened in the autumn of 2007. Every single doctor (and they were many)  told me that there is nothing for me to worry about. I was missing my period for two months and they blamed it on the stress..."Don`t worry, this things happen, its normal". No doctor (even the professor) recommended further investigation, no one told me to go to endocrinology... I was feeling generally ill, but I could not put my finger on it, like the English say. If I only knew...


I was alone in this...my husband believed that I triked him and got pregnant. When I confronted him and asked him why this thought of me being pregnant is so terrible he replied that I am crazy to want a child at this moment in life...when we have no home, no money, no status, nothing...Not the words scarred me...but the look he had. Like I was the worst killer and he needed to kill me in order to punish me, to defend himself...and that he did. We have ten years of marriage behind us and he never had the courage to be happy...absolutely happy.


I know now that he takes this crisis we`re in  like a punishment from God because he never wanted children. But he did not want the children now...he wanted them later. First he needed to put his life in order...I guess life showed him that he is not the master of his own destiny and now he must live with the consequences of his choices...I guess is fair to say that this is nothing...the future brings nothing of what I want...just like the past did. Believe me or not...I forgive him.


Now is the winter of 2007 and I start to see a permanent haze. Everywhere I looked people seemed to be covered in mist. I start not to recognize people but only if they are ten steps away. I have permanent headache and dizziness. My back aches and my feet are hurting...sometimes so much that I cannot sleep. I`m in a permanent turmoil. My body wants to rest but my brain is functioning at full speed. My husband is getting used to see me like this and he thinks that this is my way to get his attention...at least this is what I think, what I feel.


One evening I was coming back from work with a colleague of mine (later she became a good friend) and all of the sudden the haze is back...Its late January and my colleague knows about this problem that I have. She decides to lend me her glasses and when I try them on the hole world changes...I can see people, the haze is gone, and the feeling that I have in my stomach is gone too...I don`t feel like I want to throw up anymore. I need glasses....but just like that? Is this connected with what I have experienced few months ago? The doctor I consulted did not think so...I started to wear glasses and for eight months I forgot about my problems; then I started to see haze again. I went back to the ophthalmologist and she said that my diopters doubled. In ten months the problem repeated...I was loosing my sight very fast. Some other problems appeared: insomnia, fatigue, high pressure and...most of all...i was gaining wait. In a year my problems affected me so much that I went into depression. Because I have no one to confide in I have chosen to change my appearance.


I never told you what I look like. Originally I am brunette with blue eyes...I went blond. Edgy huh? Right...I am that. Think what my husband thought about my move...but I was feeling happy, I was feeling good about myself...until now.


I`m back in my car...going home...only few days ago I was celebrating my birthday...I turned thirty and life was never happier...little did I know that only the next day the first clouds will appear on my sky...And now...
I must prepare myself for the surgery. God only knows how long I`ll live...And a thought stroked me like a lightning, my hole body froze instantly: how shall I ever tell this to my family...my mother, my sister and my brother? God help me!

...in the beginning

Why kamala? Well, the short version...because edelweiss was taken :)... Just kidding :)
Honestly, kamala is hindi for lotus flower...and right now I want to be just like one.
Why baingani kamala? Since I chose to use a hindi word, I continued in hindi...and yes, you are right, baingani is an adjective...so the complete translation would be : purple lotus.
Why this name?
I like symbols. The world is filled with them and people use them all the time. Symbols can tell a complete story but only if you want to listen. If you are still with me it means that you use them too...so hello my friend.
The purple lotus is a symbol for strength, power, wealth. The lotus it self is a symbol for rebirth, strength and last, but not least...enduring beauty. Did you ever see a lotus flower? Its beauty is hypnotic...most of all because it grows out of mud. During day time its flower glows upon the mud and water and at night sinks back, but only to reappear the next day more beautiful than ever...Isn`t it wonderful?
As you must have guessed by now I need to feel like a lotus. If a lotus flower can reappear stronger and beautiful every day, I can do it too...and the description of this blog would than be: What does not kill you, makes you...beautiful.
Until next time, yours truly,

Kamala... Baingani Kamala :)