Chapter Eleven

April 1st, 2012

Today people around the world celebrate Palm Sunday. Even tough its not yet a year since my surgery I still feel that I must celebrate my rebirth. I will celebrate my first year of my new life on April the15th. It was a very beautiful one...and full of miracles.

It all started when I arrived home...an I have found that my friends secretly prepared the home for my arrival. They piked me up from the aircraft, gave me all the assistance and when I arrived home and I found everything prepared for Easter...I could have cried...of joy...in my heart and in my mind I thanked God that moment that gave me friends like this.

You can all imagine that the recovery went pretty smooth...I felt pain of course but I had a purpose...I wanted to go back to work...I was missing my colleagues, my friends, my job...you will probably laugh  but I love what I do and I wanted to go back as soon as I could sit.

I started to realize that I was seeing things differently...I could not say exactly how...but it was different...The day I went back to work was like nothing had changed...everything was the same except the way people looked at me...some with pity, some with happiness, some with admiration, some with wonder. For the first time this did not bothered me.

I promised myself that this time around I will do the things my way...and for as much my nature let me...I did. I was on vacation to Spain, I learned how to drive, I visited Palma de Mallorca (it was one of the things from my "to do" list :)), I started to tell people around me how I feel, I looked and found friends from my childhood,  I started to take action...I got involved in my life... when I think that something is crazy and I should not do it...I go ahead and do it :)

Funny...its so funny that when I found out that I have cancer I decided that its time for me to live my live....and I have realized that I`m not alone in this...everybody does it...we are trapped in our daily chores that we don`t see what is realy important. We have never enough, we always fight for more power, money, status...and we forget to live....my life was there...right in front of me, but I never lived it....I always said that tomorrow, next week, in a year or two....I will have enough time to do what I want, to have what I really want... like when I was a child and I was telling to my self that when I`ll grow older I will have what I want...

Life is now... no matter in what form you see it:  is there...right in front of you...and its waiting for you. If I have learned something from this is that you must never put things on hold, don`t hold grunge, be brave to be yourself because you are beautiful. Live a good life, think good things, do only good deeds for yourself and the community you belong to and you will find Heaven on Earth... and most important: Love yourself and forgive yourself no matter what...God is....Be your biggest fan...you worth it :)

Chapter Ten

A terrible noise waked me up ...and the pain...God...this pain is too much for me...I cannot bear it... I can`t move a muscle but I feel that I am laid down. I cry for painkillers but no one can hear me. I feel a bright light ...I know its bright because my eyes hurt. I don`t know where I am and I try to open my eyes...I can`t...I can`t move a muscle and the pain is so unbearable... I try to open my mouth...to ask for a pill...to tell them I`m hurting...I can barely hear myself...
My husband is near me...I will tell him that I`m in pain and than he will do something...
"Pain...Pain...It pains me...please...too much ...please...it hurts..." I cry...I feel the tear drops on my face...and the pain grows bigger and bigger...I can also feel my husband ... he is worried...he does not know what to do....I hear him asking someone for painkillers but the nurse answers that she can`t help me...this is the natural curse of the surgery...I must endure all this...It will all be over soon...
My head...they raised the bed and my head along with it...I thought that the pain will not be greater but it was...No one told me that it will hurt that much....I ask them to let the bed down like it was but no one understands what I want...I cry a lot because of the pain...It`s horrific.... It`s like a midday bad dream when you now you are asleep, you want to wake up but  you just can`t...
They transported me in my room...I know this because I hear Dina`s voice...Its better because they did not put any pillow under my head so the pain starts to loose the intensity...I feel a terrible thirst... but I`m not allowed to any liquids. My husband moist my lips with some water... its not what I wanted but its something...
This pain does not go away at all...when it will all be over? Now I can open my eyes...Dina is at my side...very worried and full of compassion...just like a mother for her child...God blessed me when He gave her to me...she comforts me telling me that will all go away and I`ll be OK in no time...I can tell that is very late, maybe even the break of dawn of the next day....Dina did not sleep....she was with me all night...it will be morning soon and a lot of people will come into our room...I survived!
Its Saturday! Very soon we will celebrate Palm Sunday, the day that Jesus entered Jerusalem...The Easter is closing in...I will feel pain along with our Lord, Jesus Christ, and I will recover with Him. I will reborn just like He did...I promise myself now that I will be a better person...that I will do good...because this is a sign...But firs I have to go through my first day...the first day of the rest of my life....I feel hope, excitement and pain...but all this can`t  cover the power I feel within me...If I ever had any doubt now I have the confirmation....I am strong...I am powerful...I am special....Anything can happen now because I`m prepared....nothing can bring me down because I have been at the gates of Death...Hell was the pain I have been through ...and Heaven and bliss is what I experience now....God does exists and Has big planes for me....I wonder... what will happen next?

Chapter Nine

April 15th 2011...the day my surgery was planned to be performed...I had to be in the hospital a day before. I remember this day now, six months later, like it was yesterday. I waited in the hallway for my room for half a day. By 3 o`clock pm I was officially admitted...I was very nervous but when I met my room mates I could not break down. There were three more ladies with me; the youngest was 56 years old...the oldest, 66. There were all after their surgery so they were not so cheerful.  They told me later that they thought that I was there for someone else...they could not believe that I had cancer.
Every room in that hospital had "visitors"grouped by different types of cancer. The girls in my room had breast and cervix cancer. Only one lady was like me, with cervix cancer. She will be 60 years old very soon. She had the surgery just a day before so she gave me courage. As the night was closing in, I started to feel fear and, when no one was looking, I cried. In my heart I was screaming. I imagine that if I would have done this out loud that hospital would have not have right now its windows.
Dina, one of my room mates heard me cry... she came over to my bed and started to pet me on my head, like my mother would have done it if she would have been there. I had chosen not to tell my mother the truth so she could not be there for me like I would have wanted. My husband knows nothing of this... or maybe Dina told him about this night...we never talked about it... all I can say is that Dina helped me a lot...even though she had a breast surgery she had the power to give me strength...she was a gift from God. Like her, Ana and Dorina were my guardian angels... I could not have gone through this experience without them.
I tried to get as much rest that  night as I could but I was awake at the break of dawn. My bed was set near the window. Through that window I could see the church of the hospital and the beautiful botanic park. Tall trees were in front of my window and it appeared like I was watching a painting all the time. Thinking of what was scheduled for me that day I started to cry again... asking why God gave me this experience...By eight o`clock a nurse came to me and told me that in an hour I`ll be under the anesthetic...so I prepared myself. I went into the shower, cleaning every inch of my
 body... memorizing every inch of my belly... knowing that I will never be the same...
Time passed and it was now one p.m. The anesthetist came to my bed and  she asked me a few questions...I new then that the moment I was preparing for five months was getting very close. Then a nurse came to me and she asked me to follow her. I went in a room where They started to prepare me for the surgery. They inserted a probe into my bladder... the moment was not that painful but I cried...this time with big drops of tears and I was loosing my breath...The fear was gaining over me... They tried to comfort me and tell me that I will be fine in no time... but I was crying for my loss... If I were to get alive after this...it will not be me... The girl everyone knows dies right there and then and no one but me will miss her; because no one knows that girl like I do...a new girl will come out of the surgery room... and no one will know the difference, because no one knew the old one properly.
I went down the stairs with the bag for urine in my hand...a nurse came with me to lead the way. When I arrived in front of the surgery room they were not ready for me...the door was opened and I could see the surgeons do their job... I guess that all I will remember from that day will be the horrific smell of human burned flesh...after 20 long minutes an assistant came for me... she was leading the way to the surgery room. When I went in there I felt like I was in a Star Trek scene...the doctor was with another patient...they were making plans for the week end...after all, it was Friday.
I was asked to remove all my clothes... as I was laying down naked, with  almost 15 people around, I felt so alone...and so peaceful... and then God was there and I could feel Him... they bruised my hand as they tried to get the anesthetic into my system... I was so afraid to fall asleep...and then the room started to spin...round and round...then...

Chapter Eight

Days have passed by and the surgery date was getting close. During this time of calm I was struggling to accept the thought that I was not meant to be a parent. Before going under surgery the doctors advised that I should do two sessions of radium irradiation. That is brahitherapy. I was advised to perform this at the Institute.
All I can say now, after almost six months, this was the worst part of the treatment. Normal people cannot imagine the pain that a cancer person must go through in order to achieve health. On top of this, the system in our country ruins every little trace of dignity. Its the survival of the fittest.
The procedure of extracting the ovules that I did without anesthetic was, on a scale from one to ten (ten being the most painful point), below -20. The pain that I felt during brahiterapy was situated above 10. Knowing that it is this painful the doctors and nurses ignored me. They did not use anesthetic. Trying to control my mind I started singing and praying...one hour later I could not remember my name. When I look back, knowing what I know now, maybe I would have cried for anesthesia...but this is valid when you find people that can hear you... all of them are death in that department...
First of all they prepare you for the simulator. That is, they introduce into the vagina a source that later on will be connected  to the irradiation device. In order to do that they will place a probe and a device to drain your urine. In order to stabilize this source they introduce another device into the anus and then they fill up the holes with cotton balls. This will ensure that they are well stabilized.
The second step is the simulator...they move you and ask you to move. All this generates a lot of pain. You feel like an animal pleading for some mercy. The horror in all that is that you know you wont receive any help.
The third and final step is  the irradiation. They keep you connected almost 30 minutes. The entire process lasts about one hour. 
I remember that when I finished all I wanted was to run out of that hospital and get home....I wanted to cry and to die... nothing worth that kind of struggle...especially now when I had nothing to fight for...thank God that He did not let me sink into the dark side of my head!
I was never so afraid that I was that week, knowing that next Friday I had to perform the same procedure. God helped me than too!
After the second procedure I have experienced my first and only panic attack. It was so intense that I could not move a muscle. Imagine wanting to go forward and your body frozed....
All this treatment was followed by a period of six weeks of peace. During all this time I tried to see the people I loved, I went to weddings, parties, I tried to live my life like I was supposed to do it before my cancer.
If there is a good side of this story, it would be that this made me realize how many people love me...and how much I love them...how much I love life... and it gave me courage to speak my mind...almost in every aspect of my life.
If you would ask me now what kept me go forward I would not know what to answer you...all I know is that I felt that I should not give up.
After all this hard experience I was very much afraid of the surgery...my biggest fear was that I would not weak up and I would die without letting my mother knowing the truth...but the fear of loosing her was stronger...I left for the Institute without telling my mother that I was probably living my final days...hoping that I would never be forced to tell her what I have been through.

Chapter Seven

The treatment I was under caused no apparent damage.  I did not feel a thing with Cisplatin, but when they were inserting Mannitol I felt like my arm will drop very soon. The irradiation made that no hair will grow on the zone that was treated. The first side effects appeared with the third session. I felt so sick then that I thought I will not survive that night.


First I started feeling very cold....and I mean very, very cold...the heat was on in our house and I was dressed up like I was  going camping on a mountain during frost time. I had even boots on my feet. I was in bed covered with blankets...and I was freezing to death....I was like this for three hours, when I got very sick indeed. I throw  up (like my life was ending) and then I started feeling very hot. Like I was in the oven...The next day, feeling very nausea, I went back to the hospital requesting for some IV with glucose and vitamins (C, B1, B6). This "cocktail" made me feel better.


I met a lot of great people during my sessions of chemotherapy. Great, intelligent people. There was a lady, a former teacher, that I grew specially funned of.  During our long talks we discovered that we are almost the same. The latest discovery in cancer is that the personality of a person can lead to this illness...so maybe, the way we are, made us go this path we are walking now. Knowing how much I love books she recommended me one that was truly an enchantment reading it: IT DOES NOT DIE by Maitrey Devi. Of course, one can not read this book before Maitrey by Mircea Eliade and its mandatory to know something about Indian culture in order to understand the authors.


During my treatment I started a diet based only on vegetables. Beetroot, mushroom and broccoli were my best friends. We made everything in our house: soy milk and tofu, bread, so that I would not be exposed to preservatives and toxic foods. I was not allowed to eat any animal proteins. And it worked. The difference between me an the other patients was visible with the naked eye. The other patients that were under the same treatment I was were Grey and  sad, with no appetite for life...I was full of life, colorful and joyful  almost every time...like a little bird...very chirpy. I`m not saying that was not feeling bad, but it was bearable...and I tried to laugh as much as I could.


Another thing that I consider important during chemotherapy is to maintain good spirit. When I was not reading a book, I was watching a film. Its very important to watch movies with positive messages: comedies and cartoons. I strongly recommend Indian movies because you will not find them so violent as European or American movies. And they are full of bright, happy colors and very good music. I recommend: Kuch Kuch Hota Hai,  Har Dil Jo Pyar Karega, Asoka, Chalte Chalte, Kal Ho Naa Ho, Main Hoon Na, Veer-Zaara, Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna, Om Shanti Om, Bhoothnath, My Name Is Khan, Chori Chori Chupke Chupke, Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham, Devdas, Saathiya, Hum Tum, Black, Paheli, Laaga Chunari Mein Daag, Dil Bole Hadippa!, Lagaan, Rang De Basanti, Fanaa, Dil Chahta Hai, Taare Zameen Par, 3 Idiots, Swades, Main Hoon Na. There are a lots of good Indian movies. Mostly, if Shahrukh Khan, Rani Mukherjee, Preity Zinta, Aamir Khan, Salman Khan, Abhishek Bachchan, Saif Ali Khan or Amitabh Bachchan star in the film you want to see, than its worth it.


You can also keep good spirit by listening the music you like (I discovered Maksim Mrvica during my treatment), by going outside and admire nature, by exercising, visiting people and places you love, make beautiful things and make new friends. You must never give up or give in to the dark thoughts. Dark thoughts will bring disaster in your life and will consume all your energy. And you need all the energy to fight cancer. Say to yourself that God loves you and He will not forsaken you every time you`ll feel disarmed in front of cancer (or any other hard situation you`re going through). Remember the story of Job whenever you feel week. And most important: never-ever ask yourself : WHY ME?

Chapter Six

Little snow flakes were falling down to Earth, embracing me... like someone was sending a message especially for me...that I`m not alone. I was in a hurry because I knew that my appointment is for 1,30 pm and its already 2 o`clock.  The building appears to be a new one, I wonder what it will be like...I heard only the strangest things about radiotherapy.


In the lobby there are a lot of people.  It seems that I have to stay for a while... in 15 minutes an assistant comes to my direction. It was the assistant designated to my case. He started to smile while he was telling me what will happen with me in the very next minutes.


I feel very strange not because I`m sick but because I`m young. Everybody is looking at me ... I can almost hear what they are thinking. "Poor little girl...so sad that she has this illness"... I`m lucky that I`m not alone. My husband is with me every step of the way. We are both surprised to find here someone we know...so sad that people don`t share their grief. I`m so sorry for them.


Alin, the assistant, is calling for me. My heart starts to  pomp the blood very hard and I`m entering on autopilot module. My husband can not come with me to the accelerator room. I`ll be all alone in there. There, in the waiting room is the same woman that I found in chemotherapy. We started talking about life, about children, about cancer. Its the second time for her. She appears to be tired, not willing to fight another battle.


The road to the accelerator is like a mouse trap. Wide corridors, white walls, labyrinth trail. Alin was leading the way. We arrived at a corner and he asked me to wait. The patient that finished the session has to dress up. Its an old woman, probably in her seventies.


The machine is impressive.  Computers and cameras everywhere. Alin asked me to take off my clothes. If there is anything I hate in this world is to take my clothes of in front of  a stranger. Oh...and needles. It seems that I`ll be in the situation of encounter them a lot in the near future so I let go.


I`m asked to lay down and breath normally.  Its very important not to move, otherwise the laser beam will not irradiate the precise spot.  I feel like I`m in a Star Trek scene... everything appears to be very futuristic. The accelerator moves side wise, beneath and above me. The entire session lasted not more than three minutes. When Alin came  back into the room I expected to feel different, to feel something strange...but I did not feel a thing. The first day of fighting cancer was finished. I try not to think so much of what I`m loosing, but to think about what I`m fighting for...my life!

Chapter Five

I remember the New Year`s Eve being more sad than I expected. I am not a sad person and I don`t want people around me to be sad. This year I felt that no matter what I did I will not feel hope at all... and this was devastating.


One of my best friends came to spend the New Year`s Eve with us. Her visit was meant to make me feel hopeful. In my heart I knew that I would survive this but with a very big sacrifice. The thought of having children never left my mind...and feeling that I will never have them started to grow inside my head.


January 10th was the day I saw one of the eggs through an echo procedure... it was perfect. I could not wait the day that I would hear that all was worth waiting for. I remember feeling happy, blessed, joyful. I fell down on my kneed to say a pray along with my husband. An excruciating pain in the lower belly made me interrupt the pray I was saying and then  I knew...it will never happen. God Does not want me to be a mother. The day I was scheduled to have the procedure I have learned that the follicle broke and the egg was lost.


The chemotherapy was supposed to start on January 22nd...I was scheduled for it but I was not ready...from now on I`m on autopilot.


This procedure I was scheduled to perform was a combination of chemotherapy and radiotherapy. In order to have the radiotherapy you must go first through a simulator. The doctor is establishing the exact arias that will be irradiated and than make a tattoo. This will help the device to irradiate the exact spot. You feel the pain, especially if the tattoo is on a very soft area of the body, like the belly... at that time it was the most painful procedure...but the worst was yet to come.


I felt fear...the usual fear of the unknown. I did not know what to expect so that Monday morning I woke up and I stared a long time in the mirror. I skipped the cup of coffee I always have for breakfast and I prayed. First it was the deal I had with God. He had me lose a couple of times. I was praying now for courage and strength. I decided to dress up for the occasion and put on my best make up...I was preparing for the battle of my life like every other worrier...I putted on my favorite red lipstick and stroked me...a year ago I have seen a movie called  Red lipstick for black days...those of you that have seen the movie will see the irony in my story.
I got in my favorite jeans and I putted on a royal - blue shirt that I just bought for the "occasion". For ears I chose a pair of blue and white butterflies, a beautiful colored Murano necklace, a silver watch with red stones and a bracelet that combined beautifully  Peruvian silver motifs with red stones...those were my tokens. I love scarfs so for this I decided to wear a beautiful woolen scarf  with a mixture of vivid colors: red, yellow, brown, green, purple, violet, blue, white. An explosion of life and a declaration of love for my life.


The assistant  that toked care of me remembers that first time she saw me. All I was thinking about at that time was if she will succeed to put the needle in the vain for the first time. She did. It was the second person in my life that did that.


It surprised me to see so many people there. I had to share the bed with another woman. I learned later that she has the same problem as me ...but she is going the second time through treatment. The first "bottle" of my medicine went pretty smoothly but the rest of them were a complete torture...not the worst I expected but pretty bad. I had to change position several times because my veins are very slim and they get blocked very easy.


It toke me four hours and a half to "drink up" three bottles of medicine and a half of  the real stuff...the toxic solution that makes chemotherapy what it is. As soon as I finished the treatment I went to a different place in order to have my radiotherapy. I was very late for my appointment and I thought that I won`t get the treatment at that hour. I rushed through cars and snow feeling amazed of how good I feel after this kind of procedure and thanking God because he looked upon me! Very soon I`ll let everybody know that I`m OK and I`ll survive...all I have to do is to finish the day with the radiotherapy....wondering how this will be....the fear is gone and surprisingly the calm starts to cover me and take charge...