Days have passed by and the surgery date was getting close. During this time of calm I was struggling to accept the thought that I was not meant to be a parent. Before going under surgery the doctors advised that I should do two sessions of radium irradiation. That is brahitherapy. I was advised to perform this at the Institute.
All I can say now, after almost six months, this was the worst part of the treatment. Normal people cannot imagine the pain that a cancer person must go through in order to achieve health. On top of this, the system in our country ruins every little trace of dignity. Its the survival of the fittest.
The procedure of extracting the ovules that I did without anesthetic was, on a scale from one to ten (ten being the most painful point), below -20. The pain that I felt during brahiterapy was situated above 10. Knowing that it is this painful the doctors and nurses ignored me. They did not use anesthetic. Trying to control my mind I started singing and praying...one hour later I could not remember my name. When I look back, knowing what I know now, maybe I would have cried for anesthesia...but this is valid when you find people that can hear you... all of them are death in that department...
First of all they prepare you for the simulator. That is, they introduce into the vagina a source that later on will be connected to the irradiation device. In order to do that they will place a probe and a device to drain your urine. In order to stabilize this source they introduce another device into the anus and then they fill up the holes with cotton balls. This will ensure that they are well stabilized.
The second step is the simulator...they move you and ask you to move. All this generates a lot of pain. You feel like an animal pleading for some mercy. The horror in all that is that you know you wont receive any help.
The third and final step is the irradiation. They keep you connected almost 30 minutes. The entire process lasts about one hour.
I remember that when I finished all I wanted was to run out of that hospital and get home....I wanted to cry and to die... nothing worth that kind of struggle...especially now when I had nothing to fight for...thank God that He did not let me sink into the dark side of my head!
I was never so afraid that I was that week, knowing that next Friday I had to perform the same procedure. God helped me than too!
After the second procedure I have experienced my first and only panic attack. It was so intense that I could not move a muscle. Imagine wanting to go forward and your body frozed....
All this treatment was followed by a period of six weeks of peace. During all this time I tried to see the people I loved, I went to weddings, parties, I tried to live my life like I was supposed to do it before my cancer.
If there is a good side of this story, it would be that this made me realize how many people love me...and how much I love them...how much I love life... and it gave me courage to speak my mind...almost in every aspect of my life.
If you would ask me now what kept me go forward I would not know what to answer you...all I know is that I felt that I should not give up.
After all this hard experience I was very much afraid of the surgery...my biggest fear was that I would not weak up and I would die without letting my mother knowing the truth...but the fear of loosing her was stronger...I left for the Institute without telling my mother that I was probably living my final days...hoping that I would never be forced to tell her what I have been through.
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