April 15th 2011...the day my surgery was planned to be performed...I had to be in the hospital a day before. I remember this day now, six months later, like it was yesterday. I waited in the hallway for my room for half a day. By 3 o`clock pm I was officially admitted...I was very nervous but when I met my room mates I could not break down. There were three more ladies with me; the youngest was 56 years old...the oldest, 66. There were all after their surgery so they were not so cheerful. They told me later that they thought that I was there for someone else...they could not believe that I had cancer.
Every room in that hospital had "visitors"grouped by different types of cancer. The girls in my room had breast and cervix cancer. Only one lady was like me, with cervix cancer. She will be 60 years old very soon. She had the surgery just a day before so she gave me courage. As the night was closing in, I started to feel fear and, when no one was looking, I cried. In my heart I was screaming. I imagine that if I would have done this out loud that hospital would have not have right now its windows.
Dina, one of my room mates heard me cry... she came over to my bed and started to pet me on my head, like my mother would have done it if she would have been there. I had chosen not to tell my mother the truth so she could not be there for me like I would have wanted. My husband knows nothing of this... or maybe Dina told him about this night...we never talked about it... all I can say is that Dina helped me a lot...even though she had a breast surgery she had the power to give me strength...she was a gift from God. Like her, Ana and Dorina were my guardian angels... I could not have gone through this experience without them.
I tried to get as much rest that night as I could but I was awake at the break of dawn. My bed was set near the window. Through that window I could see the church of the hospital and the beautiful botanic park. Tall trees were in front of my window and it appeared like I was watching a painting all the time. Thinking of what was scheduled for me that day I started to cry again... asking why God gave me this experience...By eight o`clock a nurse came to me and told me that in an hour I`ll be under the anesthetic...so I prepared myself. I went into the shower, cleaning every inch of my
body... memorizing every inch of my belly... knowing that I will never be the same...
Time passed and it was now one p.m. The anesthetist came to my bed and she asked me a few questions...I new then that the moment I was preparing for five months was getting very close. Then a nurse came to me and she asked me to follow her. I went in a room where They started to prepare me for the surgery. They inserted a probe into my bladder... the moment was not that painful but I cried...this time with big drops of tears and I was loosing my breath...The fear was gaining over me... They tried to comfort me and tell me that I will be fine in no time... but I was crying for my loss... If I were to get alive after this...it will not be me... The girl everyone knows dies right there and then and no one but me will miss her; because no one knows that girl like I do...a new girl will come out of the surgery room... and no one will know the difference, because no one knew the old one properly.
I went down the stairs with the bag for urine in my hand...a nurse came with me to lead the way. When I arrived in front of the surgery room they were not ready for me...the door was opened and I could see the surgeons do their job... I guess that all I will remember from that day will be the horrific smell of human burned flesh...after 20 long minutes an assistant came for me... she was leading the way to the surgery room. When I went in there I felt like I was in a Star Trek scene...the doctor was with another patient...they were making plans for the week end...after all, it was Friday.
I was asked to remove all my clothes... as I was laying down naked, with almost 15 people around, I felt so alone...and so peaceful... and then God was there and I could feel Him... they bruised my hand as they tried to get the anesthetic into my system... I was so afraid to fall asleep...and then the room started to spin...round and round...then...
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