I remember the New Year`s Eve being more sad than I expected. I am not a sad person and I don`t want people around me to be sad. This year I felt that no matter what I did I will not feel hope at all... and this was devastating.
One of my best friends came to spend the New Year`s Eve with us. Her visit was meant to make me feel hopeful. In my heart I knew that I would survive this but with a very big sacrifice. The thought of having children never left my mind...and feeling that I will never have them started to grow inside my head.
January 10th was the day I saw one of the eggs through an echo procedure... it was perfect. I could not wait the day that I would hear that all was worth waiting for. I remember feeling happy, blessed, joyful. I fell down on my kneed to say a pray along with my husband. An excruciating pain in the lower belly made me interrupt the pray I was saying and then I knew...it will never happen. God Does not want me to be a mother. The day I was scheduled to have the procedure I have learned that the follicle broke and the egg was lost.
The chemotherapy was supposed to start on January 22nd...I was scheduled for it but I was not ready...from now on I`m on autopilot.
This procedure I was scheduled to perform was a combination of chemotherapy and radiotherapy. In order to have the radiotherapy you must go first through a simulator. The doctor is establishing the exact arias that will be irradiated and than make a tattoo. This will help the device to irradiate the exact spot. You feel the pain, especially if the tattoo is on a very soft area of the body, like the belly... at that time it was the most painful procedure...but the worst was yet to come.
I felt fear...the usual fear of the unknown. I did not know what to expect so that Monday morning I woke up and I stared a long time in the mirror. I skipped the cup of coffee I always have for breakfast and I prayed. First it was the deal I had with God. He had me lose a couple of times. I was praying now for courage and strength. I decided to dress up for the occasion and put on my best make up...I was preparing for the battle of my life like every other worrier...I putted on my favorite red lipstick and stroked me...a year ago I have seen a movie called Red lipstick for black days...those of you that have seen the movie will see the irony in my story.
I got in my favorite jeans and I putted on a royal - blue shirt that I just bought for the "occasion". For ears I chose a pair of blue and white butterflies, a beautiful colored Murano necklace, a silver watch with red stones and a bracelet that combined beautifully Peruvian silver motifs with red stones...those were my tokens. I love scarfs so for this I decided to wear a beautiful woolen scarf with a mixture of vivid colors: red, yellow, brown, green, purple, violet, blue, white. An explosion of life and a declaration of love for my life.
The assistant that toked care of me remembers that first time she saw me. All I was thinking about at that time was if she will succeed to put the needle in the vain for the first time. She did. It was the second person in my life that did that.
It surprised me to see so many people there. I had to share the bed with another woman. I learned later that she has the same problem as me ...but she is going the second time through treatment. The first "bottle" of my medicine went pretty smoothly but the rest of them were a complete torture...not the worst I expected but pretty bad. I had to change position several times because my veins are very slim and they get blocked very easy.
It toke me four hours and a half to "drink up" three bottles of medicine and a half of the real stuff...the toxic solution that makes chemotherapy what it is. As soon as I finished the treatment I went to a different place in order to have my radiotherapy. I was very late for my appointment and I thought that I won`t get the treatment at that hour. I rushed through cars and snow feeling amazed of how good I feel after this kind of procedure and thanking God because he looked upon me! Very soon I`ll let everybody know that I`m OK and I`ll survive...all I have to do is to finish the day with the radiotherapy....wondering how this will be....the fear is gone and surprisingly the calm starts to cover me and take charge...
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