November 24th, 2010... my last day as a normal female. Only someone as young and full of life as me could understand the exact emotions that are filling me in right now. The diagnoses is carcinoma in situ with some parts of micro- invasions, most probably the first stage of the disease. They have scheduled me for a procedure called conisation (removal of the cervix). If I`m lucky I shall be able to have children but only by surgery. I have accepted the idea. I shall have to be happy with two children and not a football team :)
As strong as I may appear, the frightened I am. And I can`t show my real face...I never failed, I never lost, I was never defeated...what if now everything will change and I will loose everything?
There are two more women with me. One is scheduled for hysterectomy, the other one for a laparo procedure...I`m the only one with cancer.
November mornings are very Grey this year. I usually like this kind of weather but now it makes me cry. The hospital I`m in is under renovation. This and the weather outside, the loneliness and the pain that my husband is trying very hard to hide from me, the fear and the secret life that I have right now, all this heavy picture is bringing my tears to the light. Funny...I stopped crying a long time ago. Thoughts of me not waking up are running through my mind but I try very hard to loose them. This is my worst fear...and I have to face it.
The resident doctor comes by my bed and announce me that in ten minutes they will come for me...I feel like I`m loosing my heart ...I can hear the heart beat in my throat, in my ears and my head is pounding...I want to remember the last time I was under anesthesia so that I can relax but everything fails...My heart knows that this time is different...this time I may not wake up; and even if I will...everything will be different, so...any other way...I`m dead.
The road to the surgery room feels very much like the one the animals take to the slaughter house. Every cell in your body screaming "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE" and you have to ignore it because everything you do is for your life preservation. I remember talking with the anesthesiologist and point her out that my vanes are missing in action :). The doctor is ready to perform the surgery and I did not yet received the medication...he`s applying the Bethadine and nobody can find my vanes...my worst nightmare. I memorize every face in the surgery room. I must look very desperate because I can see that everybody is looking at me with pity...they are petting my head and my left arm...Finally a vane was found and everyone is counting down with me, smiling...I remember that by five I was struggling to be awake, but eventually I gave in.
Flashbacks are invading my mind...I am flirting with one of the man that are carrying me out of the surgery room into the room I`ll be staying for recovery. I don`t know why I did that...I don`t like man with a mustache, this one was different...like the ones people had during the World War II: full, thick and very well cared for. It`s the drug I`m under most probably.
I can see my friend, Mara...I`m calling her and telling her that I`ve been through a surgery and...how does she know about my problem? I never told her...someone must have called her. Anyway, it does not matter how does she know, the important thing is that she is here...and I`m happy and very grateful for that. Only few people know the truth. My family is not among them...I still think of a softer way to tell them...Is still very hard for me to accept the truth...
The good part of all of this is that I found out that friends love me as much as I love them...all my friends were there to support me and my husband - for that I`ll be forever grateful to them. I was surrounded by love late into the night...I didn`t even feel the pain. I thank everybody for all the efforts you made that day. I pray that God keeps you safe so that you`ll never find out the power of love the way I did!
