Chapter Eleven

April 1st, 2012

Today people around the world celebrate Palm Sunday. Even tough its not yet a year since my surgery I still feel that I must celebrate my rebirth. I will celebrate my first year of my new life on April the15th. It was a very beautiful one...and full of miracles.

It all started when I arrived home...an I have found that my friends secretly prepared the home for my arrival. They piked me up from the aircraft, gave me all the assistance and when I arrived home and I found everything prepared for Easter...I could have cried...of joy...in my heart and in my mind I thanked God that moment that gave me friends like this.

You can all imagine that the recovery went pretty smooth...I felt pain of course but I had a purpose...I wanted to go back to work...I was missing my colleagues, my friends, my job...you will probably laugh  but I love what I do and I wanted to go back as soon as I could sit.

I started to realize that I was seeing things differently...I could not say exactly how...but it was different...The day I went back to work was like nothing had changed...everything was the same except the way people looked at me...some with pity, some with happiness, some with admiration, some with wonder. For the first time this did not bothered me.

I promised myself that this time around I will do the things my way...and for as much my nature let me...I did. I was on vacation to Spain, I learned how to drive, I visited Palma de Mallorca (it was one of the things from my "to do" list :)), I started to tell people around me how I feel, I looked and found friends from my childhood,  I started to take action...I got involved in my life... when I think that something is crazy and I should not do it...I go ahead and do it :)

Funny...its so funny that when I found out that I have cancer I decided that its time for me to live my live....and I have realized that I`m not alone in this...everybody does it...we are trapped in our daily chores that we don`t see what is realy important. We have never enough, we always fight for more power, money, status...and we forget to live....my life was there...right in front of me, but I never lived it....I always said that tomorrow, next week, in a year or two....I will have enough time to do what I want, to have what I really want... like when I was a child and I was telling to my self that when I`ll grow older I will have what I want...

Life is now... no matter in what form you see it:  is there...right in front of you...and its waiting for you. If I have learned something from this is that you must never put things on hold, don`t hold grunge, be brave to be yourself because you are beautiful. Live a good life, think good things, do only good deeds for yourself and the community you belong to and you will find Heaven on Earth... and most important: Love yourself and forgive yourself no matter what...God is....Be your biggest fan...you worth it :)

Chapter Ten

A terrible noise waked me up ...and the pain...God...this pain is too much for me...I cannot bear it... I can`t move a muscle but I feel that I am laid down. I cry for painkillers but no one can hear me. I feel a bright light ...I know its bright because my eyes hurt. I don`t know where I am and I try to open my eyes...I can`t...I can`t move a muscle and the pain is so unbearable... I try to open my mouth...to ask for a pill...to tell them I`m hurting...I can barely hear myself...
My husband is near me...I will tell him that I`m in pain and than he will do something...
"Pain...Pain...It pains me...please...too much ...please...it hurts..." I cry...I feel the tear drops on my face...and the pain grows bigger and bigger...I can also feel my husband ... he is worried...he does not know what to do....I hear him asking someone for painkillers but the nurse answers that she can`t help me...this is the natural curse of the surgery...I must endure all this...It will all be over soon...
My head...they raised the bed and my head along with it...I thought that the pain will not be greater but it was...No one told me that it will hurt that much....I ask them to let the bed down like it was but no one understands what I want...I cry a lot because of the pain...It`s horrific.... It`s like a midday bad dream when you now you are asleep, you want to wake up but  you just can`t...
They transported me in my room...I know this because I hear Dina`s voice...Its better because they did not put any pillow under my head so the pain starts to loose the intensity...I feel a terrible thirst... but I`m not allowed to any liquids. My husband moist my lips with some water... its not what I wanted but its something...
This pain does not go away at all...when it will all be over? Now I can open my eyes...Dina is at my side...very worried and full of compassion...just like a mother for her child...God blessed me when He gave her to me...she comforts me telling me that will all go away and I`ll be OK in no time...I can tell that is very late, maybe even the break of dawn of the next day....Dina did not sleep....she was with me all night...it will be morning soon and a lot of people will come into our room...I survived!
Its Saturday! Very soon we will celebrate Palm Sunday, the day that Jesus entered Jerusalem...The Easter is closing in...I will feel pain along with our Lord, Jesus Christ, and I will recover with Him. I will reborn just like He did...I promise myself now that I will be a better person...that I will do good...because this is a sign...But firs I have to go through my first day...the first day of the rest of my life....I feel hope, excitement and pain...but all this can`t  cover the power I feel within me...If I ever had any doubt now I have the confirmation....I am strong...I am powerful...I am special....Anything can happen now because I`m prepared....nothing can bring me down because I have been at the gates of Death...Hell was the pain I have been through ...and Heaven and bliss is what I experience now....God does exists and Has big planes for me....I wonder... what will happen next?