We arrived in Vienna on December 20th. One of our friends succeeded to make us an appointment to a very well known oncologist. Unfortunately, the fame did not match the profile. We had a terrible experience there and we can`t blame it on the language barrier. All they were interested in was how much money I afford to spend in their clinic. They have treated us beneath all expectations when they found out that we were coming from Eastern Europe. For as much as I try now to understand what happened, as long is that I can`t find an explanation.
This doctor wanted to make his own opinion of my case so he sent me to a gynecologist to see me. I did not find this weird. What happened is that we have spent almost 1500 EUR for nothing... and no receipt. They promised me that they can do the surgery and preserve my ovaries in order for me to have children, but only if I pay them first 20000EUR.
Money were not important. Important was my health and the rest of my life. I was focusing on the end of the road as I used to call it...maybe that this is what kept me alive... this and the faith that God Has not forsaken me and after this cruel pain I`ll enjoy the true bliss of life.
I left Vienna with a bitter feeling, all the true joy was that I was able to visit the Christmas Fair and enjoy the colorful and beautiful town at a time like this. The time showed that this was the best decision ever.
All the way back home I had only one thought in mind. How do I do to stay healthy and, at the same time, to for fill my dream? I decided that the next step will be the preservation of an embryo, so I waited for the perfect time for this. I did not use any drugs or hormones. Everything was as natural as it could have been at that time. I was planning to preserve this embryo for the time when the doctors would have told me that I`m healthy and the danger is gone. Only than I would have decided to use a surrogate mother.
Because I have used no drugs the extraction of the egg was done without anesthetic. Before the procedure I was a little scared but the thought that this would bring me a child was much powerful, so I went through this pretty well. I`m not saying that I did not feel a thing, but the pain was bearable. I remember the nurse petting my head, me - singing so that I could ignore the pain, people`s faces... the happiness I felt when they told me that the entire process was a success. I felt so blessed.
But life is a roller-coaster and everything happens for a reason...my life is no exception from that. Three days after the procedure they told me that the embryo will not survive to the cryogenic procedure ...it must be perfect for this and it did not had the right properties. I was devastated. That was the moment I felt life is not worth living...but I was not ready to give in.
I am not a person that cries a lot, but that day I could not be stopped. I allowed myself to cry so much as I felt that I was exhausted. When I felt that I could not do it anymore... I decided to prolong my current status and give it another try. So I told my doctor, against any advice from him, that the treatment must wait for another month so that I could try again to be a mom. No one was happy with my decision, but I felt that if I won`t do this, I could not go on with my life...so, I was ready to party for the Years Eve and the chemotherapy would have to wait for another month. I was afraid that I would not survive, but I was even more afraid to survive without being a mother.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Chapter Three
I was sent home the very next day following the surgery. All I can say is that I did not felt pain and the recovery was even easier than I expected. I was afraid for no reason. For the first time in my life I was the destination of positive feelings sent by my dear friends (and not only friends) and I can not find the words to describe how good this felt.
Unfortunately, on December 2nd everything changed. The world, as I knew it, fell apart all around me. The piece extracted following the conisation was analyzed and the diagnoses was cruel: adenocarcinoma, II B stage. I was supposed to go under some sessions of chemotherapy, radio and brachytherapy followed by a radical hysterectomy. When I received the diagnosis I felt like I had an outer body experience. Everything felt like a bad movie and I was expecting the end very soon. I started acting like a machine and questions were flowing out of my mouth ...I was feeling possessed. I had only one purpose: how do I survive and have children?
I started asking questions about surrogate mothers, in vitro fertilization and the possibility to have all these procedures as closer to home as possible. The costs did not matter. Just recently we sold our home so we had the money. I found out that all the necessary procedures are possible right in out town so I was very happy. The doctors looked at me very strange...there I was...receiving the worst diagnosis possible and I was planning the road ahead like nothing happened. No crying, no fainting, just strong....they did not know me, but they were about to find out how strong I was... and so was I.
The very next step was to tell my family about all this. I thought about a strategy all the way home...but when I entered the house I could not help it. I burst into tears, crying out loud, shouting as loud as I could that this is not happening ... God is not that cruel... He knows how much children mean to me and He can not let me without them... He will not take this away from me. I was falling apart crying that I wanted children...my husband was right next to me, holding me, crying.
People that know me are aware that I don`t give myself time to morn. So I did what I always do... I pulled myself up, wipe out the tears and I called my brother. He and my sister live in a different country. I was trying to convince him to go to my sister`s house and call me from there. I wanted them to be together when I shall tell them. Of course this did not happen... my brother felt that something was very wrong so he insisted upon finding the reason of this call. I promised myself that I would not cry so I would not worry him... but I could not help it. I was not crying because the situation I was in, but because I knew that this kind of news would hurt him so much. Surprisingly he was very strong about it...later I found out that he cried for a week. Later that day the three of us had a video conference... I wanted them to see me, to see that I`m OK an that I`m strong enough to defeat this.
I shall never forget the moment my sister found out about me... she was so happy to see me, she wanted to tell me something, she wanted us to gossip about someone and then she realized that something was wrong ... I looked waisted...I did not know how to tell her such a bad news...there is no gentle way to tell someone you dearly love that you are suffering of such a terrible disease. So I told her straight... instant teardrops felt wright out of her big blue eyes... the smile that she had when she entered the room was still there...a total contradiction... it did not had the time to fade away...then, her eyes turned red...the smile started to fade away...she was realizing that this was not a joke... and then she asked "are you sure?"
I was. We talked a lot that night... like we were trying to recover all the years we lost hiding the bad things in our lives from one another. I reassured them that this is just a milestone in my life and I shall cross it...I`ll be OK. "Why all the bad things happen to you? Why do you always have to be the one that has all the hard work?" I did not know why... I just did.
I discussed with my sister the possibility of having children by a surrogate mother... she gladly told me that she will have my child. Having this in mind I knew that I`ll be strong enough to defeat this. One way or another I`ll make my dream come true!
Knowing that our mother will not survive to something like this the three of us agreed that she must not find out about my condition...not just yet...we already lost our father... we did not want to loose her too.
Because I had two different diagnosis, so there were two ways of treatment, I decided along with my husband to have a third opinion...next stop: Vienna.
Unfortunately, on December 2nd everything changed. The world, as I knew it, fell apart all around me. The piece extracted following the conisation was analyzed and the diagnoses was cruel: adenocarcinoma, II B stage. I was supposed to go under some sessions of chemotherapy, radio and brachytherapy followed by a radical hysterectomy. When I received the diagnosis I felt like I had an outer body experience. Everything felt like a bad movie and I was expecting the end very soon. I started acting like a machine and questions were flowing out of my mouth ...I was feeling possessed. I had only one purpose: how do I survive and have children?
I started asking questions about surrogate mothers, in vitro fertilization and the possibility to have all these procedures as closer to home as possible. The costs did not matter. Just recently we sold our home so we had the money. I found out that all the necessary procedures are possible right in out town so I was very happy. The doctors looked at me very strange...there I was...receiving the worst diagnosis possible and I was planning the road ahead like nothing happened. No crying, no fainting, just strong....they did not know me, but they were about to find out how strong I was... and so was I.
The very next step was to tell my family about all this. I thought about a strategy all the way home...but when I entered the house I could not help it. I burst into tears, crying out loud, shouting as loud as I could that this is not happening ... God is not that cruel... He knows how much children mean to me and He can not let me without them... He will not take this away from me. I was falling apart crying that I wanted children...my husband was right next to me, holding me, crying.
People that know me are aware that I don`t give myself time to morn. So I did what I always do... I pulled myself up, wipe out the tears and I called my brother. He and my sister live in a different country. I was trying to convince him to go to my sister`s house and call me from there. I wanted them to be together when I shall tell them. Of course this did not happen... my brother felt that something was very wrong so he insisted upon finding the reason of this call. I promised myself that I would not cry so I would not worry him... but I could not help it. I was not crying because the situation I was in, but because I knew that this kind of news would hurt him so much. Surprisingly he was very strong about it...later I found out that he cried for a week. Later that day the three of us had a video conference... I wanted them to see me, to see that I`m OK an that I`m strong enough to defeat this.
I shall never forget the moment my sister found out about me... she was so happy to see me, she wanted to tell me something, she wanted us to gossip about someone and then she realized that something was wrong ... I looked waisted...I did not know how to tell her such a bad news...there is no gentle way to tell someone you dearly love that you are suffering of such a terrible disease. So I told her straight... instant teardrops felt wright out of her big blue eyes... the smile that she had when she entered the room was still there...a total contradiction... it did not had the time to fade away...then, her eyes turned red...the smile started to fade away...she was realizing that this was not a joke... and then she asked "are you sure?"
I was. We talked a lot that night... like we were trying to recover all the years we lost hiding the bad things in our lives from one another. I reassured them that this is just a milestone in my life and I shall cross it...I`ll be OK. "Why all the bad things happen to you? Why do you always have to be the one that has all the hard work?" I did not know why... I just did.
I discussed with my sister the possibility of having children by a surrogate mother... she gladly told me that she will have my child. Having this in mind I knew that I`ll be strong enough to defeat this. One way or another I`ll make my dream come true!
Knowing that our mother will not survive to something like this the three of us agreed that she must not find out about my condition...not just yet...we already lost our father... we did not want to loose her too.
Because I had two different diagnosis, so there were two ways of treatment, I decided along with my husband to have a third opinion...next stop: Vienna.
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