April 15th 2011...the day my surgery was planned to be performed...I had to be in the hospital a day before. I remember this day now, six months later, like it was yesterday. I waited in the hallway for my room for half a day. By 3 o`clock pm I was officially admitted...I was very nervous but when I met my room mates I could not break down. There were three more ladies with me; the youngest was 56 years old...the oldest, 66. There were all after their surgery so they were not so cheerful. They told me later that they thought that I was there for someone else...they could not believe that I had cancer.
Every room in that hospital had "visitors"grouped by different types of cancer. The girls in my room had breast and cervix cancer. Only one lady was like me, with cervix cancer. She will be 60 years old very soon. She had the surgery just a day before so she gave me courage. As the night was closing in, I started to feel fear and, when no one was looking, I cried. In my heart I was screaming. I imagine that if I would have done this out loud that hospital would have not have right now its windows.
Dina, one of my room mates heard me cry... she came over to my bed and started to pet me on my head, like my mother would have done it if she would have been there. I had chosen not to tell my mother the truth so she could not be there for me like I would have wanted. My husband knows nothing of this... or maybe Dina told him about this night...we never talked about it... all I can say is that Dina helped me a lot...even though she had a breast surgery she had the power to give me strength...she was a gift from God. Like her, Ana and Dorina were my guardian angels... I could not have gone through this experience without them.
I tried to get as much rest that night as I could but I was awake at the break of dawn. My bed was set near the window. Through that window I could see the church of the hospital and the beautiful botanic park. Tall trees were in front of my window and it appeared like I was watching a painting all the time. Thinking of what was scheduled for me that day I started to cry again... asking why God gave me this experience...By eight o`clock a nurse came to me and told me that in an hour I`ll be under the anesthetic...so I prepared myself. I went into the shower, cleaning every inch of my
body... memorizing every inch of my belly... knowing that I will never be the same...
Time passed and it was now one p.m. The anesthetist came to my bed and she asked me a few questions...I new then that the moment I was preparing for five months was getting very close. Then a nurse came to me and she asked me to follow her. I went in a room where They started to prepare me for the surgery. They inserted a probe into my bladder... the moment was not that painful but I cried...this time with big drops of tears and I was loosing my breath...The fear was gaining over me... They tried to comfort me and tell me that I will be fine in no time... but I was crying for my loss... If I were to get alive after this...it will not be me... The girl everyone knows dies right there and then and no one but me will miss her; because no one knows that girl like I do...a new girl will come out of the surgery room... and no one will know the difference, because no one knew the old one properly.
I went down the stairs with the bag for urine in my hand...a nurse came with me to lead the way. When I arrived in front of the surgery room they were not ready for me...the door was opened and I could see the surgeons do their job... I guess that all I will remember from that day will be the horrific smell of human burned flesh...after 20 long minutes an assistant came for me... she was leading the way to the surgery room. When I went in there I felt like I was in a Star Trek scene...the doctor was with another patient...they were making plans for the week end...after all, it was Friday.
I was asked to remove all my clothes... as I was laying down naked, with almost 15 people around, I felt so alone...and so peaceful... and then God was there and I could feel Him... they bruised my hand as they tried to get the anesthetic into my system... I was so afraid to fall asleep...and then the room started to spin...round and round...then...
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Chapter Eight
Days have passed by and the surgery date was getting close. During this time of calm I was struggling to accept the thought that I was not meant to be a parent. Before going under surgery the doctors advised that I should do two sessions of radium irradiation. That is brahitherapy. I was advised to perform this at the Institute.
All I can say now, after almost six months, this was the worst part of the treatment. Normal people cannot imagine the pain that a cancer person must go through in order to achieve health. On top of this, the system in our country ruins every little trace of dignity. Its the survival of the fittest.
The procedure of extracting the ovules that I did without anesthetic was, on a scale from one to ten (ten being the most painful point), below -20. The pain that I felt during brahiterapy was situated above 10. Knowing that it is this painful the doctors and nurses ignored me. They did not use anesthetic. Trying to control my mind I started singing and praying...one hour later I could not remember my name. When I look back, knowing what I know now, maybe I would have cried for anesthesia...but this is valid when you find people that can hear you... all of them are death in that department...
First of all they prepare you for the simulator. That is, they introduce into the vagina a source that later on will be connected to the irradiation device. In order to do that they will place a probe and a device to drain your urine. In order to stabilize this source they introduce another device into the anus and then they fill up the holes with cotton balls. This will ensure that they are well stabilized.
The second step is the simulator...they move you and ask you to move. All this generates a lot of pain. You feel like an animal pleading for some mercy. The horror in all that is that you know you wont receive any help.
The third and final step is the irradiation. They keep you connected almost 30 minutes. The entire process lasts about one hour.
I remember that when I finished all I wanted was to run out of that hospital and get home....I wanted to cry and to die... nothing worth that kind of struggle...especially now when I had nothing to fight for...thank God that He did not let me sink into the dark side of my head!
I was never so afraid that I was that week, knowing that next Friday I had to perform the same procedure. God helped me than too!
After the second procedure I have experienced my first and only panic attack. It was so intense that I could not move a muscle. Imagine wanting to go forward and your body frozed....
All this treatment was followed by a period of six weeks of peace. During all this time I tried to see the people I loved, I went to weddings, parties, I tried to live my life like I was supposed to do it before my cancer.
If there is a good side of this story, it would be that this made me realize how many people love me...and how much I love them...how much I love life... and it gave me courage to speak my mind...almost in every aspect of my life.
If you would ask me now what kept me go forward I would not know what to answer you...all I know is that I felt that I should not give up.
After all this hard experience I was very much afraid of the surgery...my biggest fear was that I would not weak up and I would die without letting my mother knowing the truth...but the fear of loosing her was stronger...I left for the Institute without telling my mother that I was probably living my final days...hoping that I would never be forced to tell her what I have been through.
All I can say now, after almost six months, this was the worst part of the treatment. Normal people cannot imagine the pain that a cancer person must go through in order to achieve health. On top of this, the system in our country ruins every little trace of dignity. Its the survival of the fittest.
The procedure of extracting the ovules that I did without anesthetic was, on a scale from one to ten (ten being the most painful point), below -20. The pain that I felt during brahiterapy was situated above 10. Knowing that it is this painful the doctors and nurses ignored me. They did not use anesthetic. Trying to control my mind I started singing and praying...one hour later I could not remember my name. When I look back, knowing what I know now, maybe I would have cried for anesthesia...but this is valid when you find people that can hear you... all of them are death in that department...
First of all they prepare you for the simulator. That is, they introduce into the vagina a source that later on will be connected to the irradiation device. In order to do that they will place a probe and a device to drain your urine. In order to stabilize this source they introduce another device into the anus and then they fill up the holes with cotton balls. This will ensure that they are well stabilized.
The second step is the simulator...they move you and ask you to move. All this generates a lot of pain. You feel like an animal pleading for some mercy. The horror in all that is that you know you wont receive any help.
The third and final step is the irradiation. They keep you connected almost 30 minutes. The entire process lasts about one hour.
I remember that when I finished all I wanted was to run out of that hospital and get home....I wanted to cry and to die... nothing worth that kind of struggle...especially now when I had nothing to fight for...thank God that He did not let me sink into the dark side of my head!
I was never so afraid that I was that week, knowing that next Friday I had to perform the same procedure. God helped me than too!
After the second procedure I have experienced my first and only panic attack. It was so intense that I could not move a muscle. Imagine wanting to go forward and your body frozed....
All this treatment was followed by a period of six weeks of peace. During all this time I tried to see the people I loved, I went to weddings, parties, I tried to live my life like I was supposed to do it before my cancer.
If there is a good side of this story, it would be that this made me realize how many people love me...and how much I love them...how much I love life... and it gave me courage to speak my mind...almost in every aspect of my life.
If you would ask me now what kept me go forward I would not know what to answer you...all I know is that I felt that I should not give up.
After all this hard experience I was very much afraid of the surgery...my biggest fear was that I would not weak up and I would die without letting my mother knowing the truth...but the fear of loosing her was stronger...I left for the Institute without telling my mother that I was probably living my final days...hoping that I would never be forced to tell her what I have been through.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Chapter Seven
The treatment I was under caused no apparent damage. I did not feel a thing with Cisplatin, but when they were inserting Mannitol I felt like my arm will drop very soon. The irradiation made that no hair will grow on the zone that was treated. The first side effects appeared with the third session. I felt so sick then that I thought I will not survive that night.
First I started feeling very cold....and I mean very, very cold...the heat was on in our house and I was dressed up like I was going camping on a mountain during frost time. I had even boots on my feet. I was in bed covered with blankets...and I was freezing to death....I was like this for three hours, when I got very sick indeed. I throw up (like my life was ending) and then I started feeling very hot. Like I was in the oven...The next day, feeling very nausea, I went back to the hospital requesting for some IV with glucose and vitamins (C, B1, B6). This "cocktail" made me feel better.
I met a lot of great people during my sessions of chemotherapy. Great, intelligent people. There was a lady, a former teacher, that I grew specially funned of. During our long talks we discovered that we are almost the same. The latest discovery in cancer is that the personality of a person can lead to this illness...so maybe, the way we are, made us go this path we are walking now. Knowing how much I love books she recommended me one that was truly an enchantment reading it: IT DOES NOT DIE by Maitrey Devi. Of course, one can not read this book before Maitrey by Mircea Eliade and its mandatory to know something about Indian culture in order to understand the authors.
During my treatment I started a diet based only on vegetables. Beetroot, mushroom and broccoli were my best friends. We made everything in our house: soy milk and tofu, bread, so that I would not be exposed to preservatives and toxic foods. I was not allowed to eat any animal proteins. And it worked. The difference between me an the other patients was visible with the naked eye. The other patients that were under the same treatment I was were Grey and sad, with no appetite for life...I was full of life, colorful and joyful almost every time...like a little bird...very chirpy. I`m not saying that was not feeling bad, but it was bearable...and I tried to laugh as much as I could.
Another thing that I consider important during chemotherapy is to maintain good spirit. When I was not reading a book, I was watching a film. Its very important to watch movies with positive messages: comedies and cartoons. I strongly recommend Indian movies because you will not find them so violent as European or American movies. And they are full of bright, happy colors and very good music. I recommend: Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, Har Dil Jo Pyar Karega, Asoka, Chalte Chalte, Kal Ho Naa Ho, Main Hoon Na, Veer-Zaara, Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna, Om Shanti Om, Bhoothnath, My Name Is Khan, Chori Chori Chupke Chupke, Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham, Devdas, Saathiya, Hum Tum, Black, Paheli, Laaga Chunari Mein Daag, Dil Bole Hadippa!, Lagaan, Rang De Basanti, Fanaa, Dil Chahta Hai, Taare Zameen Par, 3 Idiots, Swades, Main Hoon Na. There are a lots of good Indian movies. Mostly, if Shahrukh Khan, Rani Mukherjee, Preity Zinta, Aamir Khan, Salman Khan, Abhishek Bachchan, Saif Ali Khan or Amitabh Bachchan star in the film you want to see, than its worth it.
You can also keep good spirit by listening the music you like (I discovered Maksim Mrvica during my treatment), by going outside and admire nature, by exercising, visiting people and places you love, make beautiful things and make new friends. You must never give up or give in to the dark thoughts. Dark thoughts will bring disaster in your life and will consume all your energy. And you need all the energy to fight cancer. Say to yourself that God loves you and He will not forsaken you every time you`ll feel disarmed in front of cancer (or any other hard situation you`re going through). Remember the story of Job whenever you feel week. And most important: never-ever ask yourself : WHY ME?
First I started feeling very cold....and I mean very, very cold...the heat was on in our house and I was dressed up like I was going camping on a mountain during frost time. I had even boots on my feet. I was in bed covered with blankets...and I was freezing to death....I was like this for three hours, when I got very sick indeed. I throw up (like my life was ending) and then I started feeling very hot. Like I was in the oven...The next day, feeling very nausea, I went back to the hospital requesting for some IV with glucose and vitamins (C, B1, B6). This "cocktail" made me feel better.
I met a lot of great people during my sessions of chemotherapy. Great, intelligent people. There was a lady, a former teacher, that I grew specially funned of. During our long talks we discovered that we are almost the same. The latest discovery in cancer is that the personality of a person can lead to this illness...so maybe, the way we are, made us go this path we are walking now. Knowing how much I love books she recommended me one that was truly an enchantment reading it: IT DOES NOT DIE by Maitrey Devi. Of course, one can not read this book before Maitrey by Mircea Eliade and its mandatory to know something about Indian culture in order to understand the authors.
During my treatment I started a diet based only on vegetables. Beetroot, mushroom and broccoli were my best friends. We made everything in our house: soy milk and tofu, bread, so that I would not be exposed to preservatives and toxic foods. I was not allowed to eat any animal proteins. And it worked. The difference between me an the other patients was visible with the naked eye. The other patients that were under the same treatment I was were Grey and sad, with no appetite for life...I was full of life, colorful and joyful almost every time...like a little bird...very chirpy. I`m not saying that was not feeling bad, but it was bearable...and I tried to laugh as much as I could.
Another thing that I consider important during chemotherapy is to maintain good spirit. When I was not reading a book, I was watching a film. Its very important to watch movies with positive messages: comedies and cartoons. I strongly recommend Indian movies because you will not find them so violent as European or American movies. And they are full of bright, happy colors and very good music. I recommend: Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, Har Dil Jo Pyar Karega, Asoka, Chalte Chalte, Kal Ho Naa Ho, Main Hoon Na, Veer-Zaara, Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna, Om Shanti Om, Bhoothnath, My Name Is Khan, Chori Chori Chupke Chupke, Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham, Devdas, Saathiya, Hum Tum, Black, Paheli, Laaga Chunari Mein Daag, Dil Bole Hadippa!, Lagaan, Rang De Basanti, Fanaa, Dil Chahta Hai, Taare Zameen Par, 3 Idiots, Swades, Main Hoon Na. There are a lots of good Indian movies. Mostly, if Shahrukh Khan, Rani Mukherjee, Preity Zinta, Aamir Khan, Salman Khan, Abhishek Bachchan, Saif Ali Khan or Amitabh Bachchan star in the film you want to see, than its worth it.
You can also keep good spirit by listening the music you like (I discovered Maksim Mrvica during my treatment), by going outside and admire nature, by exercising, visiting people and places you love, make beautiful things and make new friends. You must never give up or give in to the dark thoughts. Dark thoughts will bring disaster in your life and will consume all your energy. And you need all the energy to fight cancer. Say to yourself that God loves you and He will not forsaken you every time you`ll feel disarmed in front of cancer (or any other hard situation you`re going through). Remember the story of Job whenever you feel week. And most important: never-ever ask yourself : WHY ME?
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Chapter Six
Little snow flakes were falling down to Earth, embracing me... like someone was sending a message especially for me...that I`m not alone. I was in a hurry because I knew that my appointment is for 1,30 pm and its already 2 o`clock. The building appears to be a new one, I wonder what it will be like...I heard only the strangest things about radiotherapy.
In the lobby there are a lot of people. It seems that I have to stay for a while... in 15 minutes an assistant comes to my direction. It was the assistant designated to my case. He started to smile while he was telling me what will happen with me in the very next minutes.
I feel very strange not because I`m sick but because I`m young. Everybody is looking at me ... I can almost hear what they are thinking. "Poor little girl...so sad that she has this illness"... I`m lucky that I`m not alone. My husband is with me every step of the way. We are both surprised to find here someone we know...so sad that people don`t share their grief. I`m so sorry for them.
Alin, the assistant, is calling for me. My heart starts to pomp the blood very hard and I`m entering on autopilot module. My husband can not come with me to the accelerator room. I`ll be all alone in there. There, in the waiting room is the same woman that I found in chemotherapy. We started talking about life, about children, about cancer. Its the second time for her. She appears to be tired, not willing to fight another battle.
The road to the accelerator is like a mouse trap. Wide corridors, white walls, labyrinth trail. Alin was leading the way. We arrived at a corner and he asked me to wait. The patient that finished the session has to dress up. Its an old woman, probably in her seventies.
The machine is impressive. Computers and cameras everywhere. Alin asked me to take off my clothes. If there is anything I hate in this world is to take my clothes of in front of a stranger. Oh...and needles. It seems that I`ll be in the situation of encounter them a lot in the near future so I let go.
I`m asked to lay down and breath normally. Its very important not to move, otherwise the laser beam will not irradiate the precise spot. I feel like I`m in a Star Trek scene... everything appears to be very futuristic. The accelerator moves side wise, beneath and above me. The entire session lasted not more than three minutes. When Alin came back into the room I expected to feel different, to feel something strange...but I did not feel a thing. The first day of fighting cancer was finished. I try not to think so much of what I`m loosing, but to think about what I`m fighting for...my life!
In the lobby there are a lot of people. It seems that I have to stay for a while... in 15 minutes an assistant comes to my direction. It was the assistant designated to my case. He started to smile while he was telling me what will happen with me in the very next minutes.
I feel very strange not because I`m sick but because I`m young. Everybody is looking at me ... I can almost hear what they are thinking. "Poor little girl...so sad that she has this illness"... I`m lucky that I`m not alone. My husband is with me every step of the way. We are both surprised to find here someone we know...so sad that people don`t share their grief. I`m so sorry for them.
Alin, the assistant, is calling for me. My heart starts to pomp the blood very hard and I`m entering on autopilot module. My husband can not come with me to the accelerator room. I`ll be all alone in there. There, in the waiting room is the same woman that I found in chemotherapy. We started talking about life, about children, about cancer. Its the second time for her. She appears to be tired, not willing to fight another battle.
The road to the accelerator is like a mouse trap. Wide corridors, white walls, labyrinth trail. Alin was leading the way. We arrived at a corner and he asked me to wait. The patient that finished the session has to dress up. Its an old woman, probably in her seventies.
The machine is impressive. Computers and cameras everywhere. Alin asked me to take off my clothes. If there is anything I hate in this world is to take my clothes of in front of a stranger. Oh...and needles. It seems that I`ll be in the situation of encounter them a lot in the near future so I let go.
I`m asked to lay down and breath normally. Its very important not to move, otherwise the laser beam will not irradiate the precise spot. I feel like I`m in a Star Trek scene... everything appears to be very futuristic. The accelerator moves side wise, beneath and above me. The entire session lasted not more than three minutes. When Alin came back into the room I expected to feel different, to feel something strange...but I did not feel a thing. The first day of fighting cancer was finished. I try not to think so much of what I`m loosing, but to think about what I`m fighting for...my life!
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Chapter Five
I remember the New Year`s Eve being more sad than I expected. I am not a sad person and I don`t want people around me to be sad. This year I felt that no matter what I did I will not feel hope at all... and this was devastating.
One of my best friends came to spend the New Year`s Eve with us. Her visit was meant to make me feel hopeful. In my heart I knew that I would survive this but with a very big sacrifice. The thought of having children never left my mind...and feeling that I will never have them started to grow inside my head.
January 10th was the day I saw one of the eggs through an echo procedure... it was perfect. I could not wait the day that I would hear that all was worth waiting for. I remember feeling happy, blessed, joyful. I fell down on my kneed to say a pray along with my husband. An excruciating pain in the lower belly made me interrupt the pray I was saying and then I knew...it will never happen. God Does not want me to be a mother. The day I was scheduled to have the procedure I have learned that the follicle broke and the egg was lost.
The chemotherapy was supposed to start on January 22nd...I was scheduled for it but I was not ready...from now on I`m on autopilot.
This procedure I was scheduled to perform was a combination of chemotherapy and radiotherapy. In order to have the radiotherapy you must go first through a simulator. The doctor is establishing the exact arias that will be irradiated and than make a tattoo. This will help the device to irradiate the exact spot. You feel the pain, especially if the tattoo is on a very soft area of the body, like the belly... at that time it was the most painful procedure...but the worst was yet to come.
I felt fear...the usual fear of the unknown. I did not know what to expect so that Monday morning I woke up and I stared a long time in the mirror. I skipped the cup of coffee I always have for breakfast and I prayed. First it was the deal I had with God. He had me lose a couple of times. I was praying now for courage and strength. I decided to dress up for the occasion and put on my best make up...I was preparing for the battle of my life like every other worrier...I putted on my favorite red lipstick and stroked me...a year ago I have seen a movie called Red lipstick for black days...those of you that have seen the movie will see the irony in my story.
I got in my favorite jeans and I putted on a royal - blue shirt that I just bought for the "occasion". For ears I chose a pair of blue and white butterflies, a beautiful colored Murano necklace, a silver watch with red stones and a bracelet that combined beautifully Peruvian silver motifs with red stones...those were my tokens. I love scarfs so for this I decided to wear a beautiful woolen scarf with a mixture of vivid colors: red, yellow, brown, green, purple, violet, blue, white. An explosion of life and a declaration of love for my life.
The assistant that toked care of me remembers that first time she saw me. All I was thinking about at that time was if she will succeed to put the needle in the vain for the first time. She did. It was the second person in my life that did that.
It surprised me to see so many people there. I had to share the bed with another woman. I learned later that she has the same problem as me ...but she is going the second time through treatment. The first "bottle" of my medicine went pretty smoothly but the rest of them were a complete torture...not the worst I expected but pretty bad. I had to change position several times because my veins are very slim and they get blocked very easy.
It toke me four hours and a half to "drink up" three bottles of medicine and a half of the real stuff...the toxic solution that makes chemotherapy what it is. As soon as I finished the treatment I went to a different place in order to have my radiotherapy. I was very late for my appointment and I thought that I won`t get the treatment at that hour. I rushed through cars and snow feeling amazed of how good I feel after this kind of procedure and thanking God because he looked upon me! Very soon I`ll let everybody know that I`m OK and I`ll survive...all I have to do is to finish the day with the radiotherapy....wondering how this will be....the fear is gone and surprisingly the calm starts to cover me and take charge...
One of my best friends came to spend the New Year`s Eve with us. Her visit was meant to make me feel hopeful. In my heart I knew that I would survive this but with a very big sacrifice. The thought of having children never left my mind...and feeling that I will never have them started to grow inside my head.
January 10th was the day I saw one of the eggs through an echo procedure... it was perfect. I could not wait the day that I would hear that all was worth waiting for. I remember feeling happy, blessed, joyful. I fell down on my kneed to say a pray along with my husband. An excruciating pain in the lower belly made me interrupt the pray I was saying and then I knew...it will never happen. God Does not want me to be a mother. The day I was scheduled to have the procedure I have learned that the follicle broke and the egg was lost.
The chemotherapy was supposed to start on January 22nd...I was scheduled for it but I was not ready...from now on I`m on autopilot.
This procedure I was scheduled to perform was a combination of chemotherapy and radiotherapy. In order to have the radiotherapy you must go first through a simulator. The doctor is establishing the exact arias that will be irradiated and than make a tattoo. This will help the device to irradiate the exact spot. You feel the pain, especially if the tattoo is on a very soft area of the body, like the belly... at that time it was the most painful procedure...but the worst was yet to come.
I felt fear...the usual fear of the unknown. I did not know what to expect so that Monday morning I woke up and I stared a long time in the mirror. I skipped the cup of coffee I always have for breakfast and I prayed. First it was the deal I had with God. He had me lose a couple of times. I was praying now for courage and strength. I decided to dress up for the occasion and put on my best make up...I was preparing for the battle of my life like every other worrier...I putted on my favorite red lipstick and stroked me...a year ago I have seen a movie called Red lipstick for black days...those of you that have seen the movie will see the irony in my story.
I got in my favorite jeans and I putted on a royal - blue shirt that I just bought for the "occasion". For ears I chose a pair of blue and white butterflies, a beautiful colored Murano necklace, a silver watch with red stones and a bracelet that combined beautifully Peruvian silver motifs with red stones...those were my tokens. I love scarfs so for this I decided to wear a beautiful woolen scarf with a mixture of vivid colors: red, yellow, brown, green, purple, violet, blue, white. An explosion of life and a declaration of love for my life.
The assistant that toked care of me remembers that first time she saw me. All I was thinking about at that time was if she will succeed to put the needle in the vain for the first time. She did. It was the second person in my life that did that.
It surprised me to see so many people there. I had to share the bed with another woman. I learned later that she has the same problem as me ...but she is going the second time through treatment. The first "bottle" of my medicine went pretty smoothly but the rest of them were a complete torture...not the worst I expected but pretty bad. I had to change position several times because my veins are very slim and they get blocked very easy.
It toke me four hours and a half to "drink up" three bottles of medicine and a half of the real stuff...the toxic solution that makes chemotherapy what it is. As soon as I finished the treatment I went to a different place in order to have my radiotherapy. I was very late for my appointment and I thought that I won`t get the treatment at that hour. I rushed through cars and snow feeling amazed of how good I feel after this kind of procedure and thanking God because he looked upon me! Very soon I`ll let everybody know that I`m OK and I`ll survive...all I have to do is to finish the day with the radiotherapy....wondering how this will be....the fear is gone and surprisingly the calm starts to cover me and take charge...
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Chapter Four
We arrived in Vienna on December 20th. One of our friends succeeded to make us an appointment to a very well known oncologist. Unfortunately, the fame did not match the profile. We had a terrible experience there and we can`t blame it on the language barrier. All they were interested in was how much money I afford to spend in their clinic. They have treated us beneath all expectations when they found out that we were coming from Eastern Europe. For as much as I try now to understand what happened, as long is that I can`t find an explanation.
This doctor wanted to make his own opinion of my case so he sent me to a gynecologist to see me. I did not find this weird. What happened is that we have spent almost 1500 EUR for nothing... and no receipt. They promised me that they can do the surgery and preserve my ovaries in order for me to have children, but only if I pay them first 20000EUR.
Money were not important. Important was my health and the rest of my life. I was focusing on the end of the road as I used to call it...maybe that this is what kept me alive... this and the faith that God Has not forsaken me and after this cruel pain I`ll enjoy the true bliss of life.
I left Vienna with a bitter feeling, all the true joy was that I was able to visit the Christmas Fair and enjoy the colorful and beautiful town at a time like this. The time showed that this was the best decision ever.
All the way back home I had only one thought in mind. How do I do to stay healthy and, at the same time, to for fill my dream? I decided that the next step will be the preservation of an embryo, so I waited for the perfect time for this. I did not use any drugs or hormones. Everything was as natural as it could have been at that time. I was planning to preserve this embryo for the time when the doctors would have told me that I`m healthy and the danger is gone. Only than I would have decided to use a surrogate mother.
Because I have used no drugs the extraction of the egg was done without anesthetic. Before the procedure I was a little scared but the thought that this would bring me a child was much powerful, so I went through this pretty well. I`m not saying that I did not feel a thing, but the pain was bearable. I remember the nurse petting my head, me - singing so that I could ignore the pain, people`s faces... the happiness I felt when they told me that the entire process was a success. I felt so blessed.
But life is a roller-coaster and everything happens for a reason...my life is no exception from that. Three days after the procedure they told me that the embryo will not survive to the cryogenic procedure ...it must be perfect for this and it did not had the right properties. I was devastated. That was the moment I felt life is not worth living...but I was not ready to give in.
I am not a person that cries a lot, but that day I could not be stopped. I allowed myself to cry so much as I felt that I was exhausted. When I felt that I could not do it anymore... I decided to prolong my current status and give it another try. So I told my doctor, against any advice from him, that the treatment must wait for another month so that I could try again to be a mom. No one was happy with my decision, but I felt that if I won`t do this, I could not go on with my life...so, I was ready to party for the Years Eve and the chemotherapy would have to wait for another month. I was afraid that I would not survive, but I was even more afraid to survive without being a mother.
This doctor wanted to make his own opinion of my case so he sent me to a gynecologist to see me. I did not find this weird. What happened is that we have spent almost 1500 EUR for nothing... and no receipt. They promised me that they can do the surgery and preserve my ovaries in order for me to have children, but only if I pay them first 20000EUR.
Money were not important. Important was my health and the rest of my life. I was focusing on the end of the road as I used to call it...maybe that this is what kept me alive... this and the faith that God Has not forsaken me and after this cruel pain I`ll enjoy the true bliss of life.
I left Vienna with a bitter feeling, all the true joy was that I was able to visit the Christmas Fair and enjoy the colorful and beautiful town at a time like this. The time showed that this was the best decision ever.
All the way back home I had only one thought in mind. How do I do to stay healthy and, at the same time, to for fill my dream? I decided that the next step will be the preservation of an embryo, so I waited for the perfect time for this. I did not use any drugs or hormones. Everything was as natural as it could have been at that time. I was planning to preserve this embryo for the time when the doctors would have told me that I`m healthy and the danger is gone. Only than I would have decided to use a surrogate mother.
Because I have used no drugs the extraction of the egg was done without anesthetic. Before the procedure I was a little scared but the thought that this would bring me a child was much powerful, so I went through this pretty well. I`m not saying that I did not feel a thing, but the pain was bearable. I remember the nurse petting my head, me - singing so that I could ignore the pain, people`s faces... the happiness I felt when they told me that the entire process was a success. I felt so blessed.
But life is a roller-coaster and everything happens for a reason...my life is no exception from that. Three days after the procedure they told me that the embryo will not survive to the cryogenic procedure ...it must be perfect for this and it did not had the right properties. I was devastated. That was the moment I felt life is not worth living...but I was not ready to give in.
I am not a person that cries a lot, but that day I could not be stopped. I allowed myself to cry so much as I felt that I was exhausted. When I felt that I could not do it anymore... I decided to prolong my current status and give it another try. So I told my doctor, against any advice from him, that the treatment must wait for another month so that I could try again to be a mom. No one was happy with my decision, but I felt that if I won`t do this, I could not go on with my life...so, I was ready to party for the Years Eve and the chemotherapy would have to wait for another month. I was afraid that I would not survive, but I was even more afraid to survive without being a mother.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Chapter Three
I was sent home the very next day following the surgery. All I can say is that I did not felt pain and the recovery was even easier than I expected. I was afraid for no reason. For the first time in my life I was the destination of positive feelings sent by my dear friends (and not only friends) and I can not find the words to describe how good this felt.
Unfortunately, on December 2nd everything changed. The world, as I knew it, fell apart all around me. The piece extracted following the conisation was analyzed and the diagnoses was cruel: adenocarcinoma, II B stage. I was supposed to go under some sessions of chemotherapy, radio and brachytherapy followed by a radical hysterectomy. When I received the diagnosis I felt like I had an outer body experience. Everything felt like a bad movie and I was expecting the end very soon. I started acting like a machine and questions were flowing out of my mouth ...I was feeling possessed. I had only one purpose: how do I survive and have children?
I started asking questions about surrogate mothers, in vitro fertilization and the possibility to have all these procedures as closer to home as possible. The costs did not matter. Just recently we sold our home so we had the money. I found out that all the necessary procedures are possible right in out town so I was very happy. The doctors looked at me very strange...there I was...receiving the worst diagnosis possible and I was planning the road ahead like nothing happened. No crying, no fainting, just strong....they did not know me, but they were about to find out how strong I was... and so was I.
The very next step was to tell my family about all this. I thought about a strategy all the way home...but when I entered the house I could not help it. I burst into tears, crying out loud, shouting as loud as I could that this is not happening ... God is not that cruel... He knows how much children mean to me and He can not let me without them... He will not take this away from me. I was falling apart crying that I wanted children...my husband was right next to me, holding me, crying.
People that know me are aware that I don`t give myself time to morn. So I did what I always do... I pulled myself up, wipe out the tears and I called my brother. He and my sister live in a different country. I was trying to convince him to go to my sister`s house and call me from there. I wanted them to be together when I shall tell them. Of course this did not happen... my brother felt that something was very wrong so he insisted upon finding the reason of this call. I promised myself that I would not cry so I would not worry him... but I could not help it. I was not crying because the situation I was in, but because I knew that this kind of news would hurt him so much. Surprisingly he was very strong about it...later I found out that he cried for a week. Later that day the three of us had a video conference... I wanted them to see me, to see that I`m OK an that I`m strong enough to defeat this.
I shall never forget the moment my sister found out about me... she was so happy to see me, she wanted to tell me something, she wanted us to gossip about someone and then she realized that something was wrong ... I looked waisted...I did not know how to tell her such a bad news...there is no gentle way to tell someone you dearly love that you are suffering of such a terrible disease. So I told her straight... instant teardrops felt wright out of her big blue eyes... the smile that she had when she entered the room was still there...a total contradiction... it did not had the time to fade away...then, her eyes turned red...the smile started to fade away...she was realizing that this was not a joke... and then she asked "are you sure?"
I was. We talked a lot that night... like we were trying to recover all the years we lost hiding the bad things in our lives from one another. I reassured them that this is just a milestone in my life and I shall cross it...I`ll be OK. "Why all the bad things happen to you? Why do you always have to be the one that has all the hard work?" I did not know why... I just did.
I discussed with my sister the possibility of having children by a surrogate mother... she gladly told me that she will have my child. Having this in mind I knew that I`ll be strong enough to defeat this. One way or another I`ll make my dream come true!
Knowing that our mother will not survive to something like this the three of us agreed that she must not find out about my condition...not just yet...we already lost our father... we did not want to loose her too.
Because I had two different diagnosis, so there were two ways of treatment, I decided along with my husband to have a third opinion...next stop: Vienna.
Unfortunately, on December 2nd everything changed. The world, as I knew it, fell apart all around me. The piece extracted following the conisation was analyzed and the diagnoses was cruel: adenocarcinoma, II B stage. I was supposed to go under some sessions of chemotherapy, radio and brachytherapy followed by a radical hysterectomy. When I received the diagnosis I felt like I had an outer body experience. Everything felt like a bad movie and I was expecting the end very soon. I started acting like a machine and questions were flowing out of my mouth ...I was feeling possessed. I had only one purpose: how do I survive and have children?
I started asking questions about surrogate mothers, in vitro fertilization and the possibility to have all these procedures as closer to home as possible. The costs did not matter. Just recently we sold our home so we had the money. I found out that all the necessary procedures are possible right in out town so I was very happy. The doctors looked at me very strange...there I was...receiving the worst diagnosis possible and I was planning the road ahead like nothing happened. No crying, no fainting, just strong....they did not know me, but they were about to find out how strong I was... and so was I.
The very next step was to tell my family about all this. I thought about a strategy all the way home...but when I entered the house I could not help it. I burst into tears, crying out loud, shouting as loud as I could that this is not happening ... God is not that cruel... He knows how much children mean to me and He can not let me without them... He will not take this away from me. I was falling apart crying that I wanted children...my husband was right next to me, holding me, crying.
People that know me are aware that I don`t give myself time to morn. So I did what I always do... I pulled myself up, wipe out the tears and I called my brother. He and my sister live in a different country. I was trying to convince him to go to my sister`s house and call me from there. I wanted them to be together when I shall tell them. Of course this did not happen... my brother felt that something was very wrong so he insisted upon finding the reason of this call. I promised myself that I would not cry so I would not worry him... but I could not help it. I was not crying because the situation I was in, but because I knew that this kind of news would hurt him so much. Surprisingly he was very strong about it...later I found out that he cried for a week. Later that day the three of us had a video conference... I wanted them to see me, to see that I`m OK an that I`m strong enough to defeat this.
I shall never forget the moment my sister found out about me... she was so happy to see me, she wanted to tell me something, she wanted us to gossip about someone and then she realized that something was wrong ... I looked waisted...I did not know how to tell her such a bad news...there is no gentle way to tell someone you dearly love that you are suffering of such a terrible disease. So I told her straight... instant teardrops felt wright out of her big blue eyes... the smile that she had when she entered the room was still there...a total contradiction... it did not had the time to fade away...then, her eyes turned red...the smile started to fade away...she was realizing that this was not a joke... and then she asked "are you sure?"
I was. We talked a lot that night... like we were trying to recover all the years we lost hiding the bad things in our lives from one another. I reassured them that this is just a milestone in my life and I shall cross it...I`ll be OK. "Why all the bad things happen to you? Why do you always have to be the one that has all the hard work?" I did not know why... I just did.
I discussed with my sister the possibility of having children by a surrogate mother... she gladly told me that she will have my child. Having this in mind I knew that I`ll be strong enough to defeat this. One way or another I`ll make my dream come true!
Knowing that our mother will not survive to something like this the three of us agreed that she must not find out about my condition...not just yet...we already lost our father... we did not want to loose her too.
Because I had two different diagnosis, so there were two ways of treatment, I decided along with my husband to have a third opinion...next stop: Vienna.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Chapter Two
November 24th, 2010... my last day as a normal female. Only someone as young and full of life as me could understand the exact emotions that are filling me in right now. The diagnoses is carcinoma in situ with some parts of micro- invasions, most probably the first stage of the disease. They have scheduled me for a procedure called conisation (removal of the cervix). If I`m lucky I shall be able to have children but only by surgery. I have accepted the idea. I shall have to be happy with two children and not a football team :)
As strong as I may appear, the frightened I am. And I can`t show my real face...I never failed, I never lost, I was never defeated...what if now everything will change and I will loose everything?
There are two more women with me. One is scheduled for hysterectomy, the other one for a laparo procedure...I`m the only one with cancer.
November mornings are very Grey this year. I usually like this kind of weather but now it makes me cry. The hospital I`m in is under renovation. This and the weather outside, the loneliness and the pain that my husband is trying very hard to hide from me, the fear and the secret life that I have right now, all this heavy picture is bringing my tears to the light. Funny...I stopped crying a long time ago. Thoughts of me not waking up are running through my mind but I try very hard to loose them. This is my worst fear...and I have to face it.
The resident doctor comes by my bed and announce me that in ten minutes they will come for me...I feel like I`m loosing my heart ...I can hear the heart beat in my throat, in my ears and my head is pounding...I want to remember the last time I was under anesthesia so that I can relax but everything fails...My heart knows that this time is different...this time I may not wake up; and even if I will...everything will be different, so...any other way...I`m dead.
The road to the surgery room feels very much like the one the animals take to the slaughter house. Every cell in your body screaming "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE" and you have to ignore it because everything you do is for your life preservation. I remember talking with the anesthesiologist and point her out that my vanes are missing in action :). The doctor is ready to perform the surgery and I did not yet received the medication...he`s applying the Bethadine and nobody can find my vanes...my worst nightmare. I memorize every face in the surgery room. I must look very desperate because I can see that everybody is looking at me with pity...they are petting my head and my left arm...Finally a vane was found and everyone is counting down with me, smiling...I remember that by five I was struggling to be awake, but eventually I gave in.
Flashbacks are invading my mind...I am flirting with one of the man that are carrying me out of the surgery room into the room I`ll be staying for recovery. I don`t know why I did that...I don`t like man with a mustache, this one was different...like the ones people had during the World War II: full, thick and very well cared for. It`s the drug I`m under most probably.
I can see my friend, Mara...I`m calling her and telling her that I`ve been through a surgery and...how does she know about my problem? I never told her...someone must have called her. Anyway, it does not matter how does she know, the important thing is that she is here...and I`m happy and very grateful for that. Only few people know the truth. My family is not among them...I still think of a softer way to tell them...Is still very hard for me to accept the truth...
The good part of all of this is that I found out that friends love me as much as I love them...all my friends were there to support me and my husband - for that I`ll be forever grateful to them. I was surrounded by love late into the night...I didn`t even feel the pain. I thank everybody for all the efforts you made that day. I pray that God keeps you safe so that you`ll never find out the power of love the way I did!
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Chapter One
Since the first time I started to think about a web log I was wandering what I would write about...all I knew was that I needed to do it...all of you that ever felt this way will understand this urge.
You see, I don`t have many people around that understand my condition...even now is hard for me to write about it. Funny, I always considered myself a fearless woman. But those words are still pounding in my head like a hammer, and my heart starts running wild every time I remember: "at this moment, the diagnosis for cancer is confirmed...do you understand? You will never have biological children...we will do everything to save you... trust me, after this you will have a normal live."
Is he joking? A normal life? What normal life? And what is this he saying...cancer? Not so long ago I was talking with another doctor that assured me that I can go ahead and have as many children as I want...I`m healthy and strong as a rock...an Iron Lady he said. Now I`m standing here looking at this other doctor and I`m smiling...I am amazed of what he is talking about...everything starts to develop in front of me like an old, bad movie...."you need to make some other tests, a CT scan and an MRI..." His voice was fading away as my mind tried to understand something ...to find a clue in all this nonsense...
I was tough. The doctor and his assistants were looking at me, trying to see something on my face that will betrayal what I was feeling inside...prepared if I were to burst into tears or make a scene... prepared to do their job, like machines. Little did they know that I was a machine too, trained not to show what I feel...ever.
I`m going home now with my husband. We are in our car. He is not saying anything but I know he is shouting at God inside. Even though I`m not saying anything, I`m crying ...I finally have the answer...funny...I never questioned the diagnosis. Like I was waiting for everything to start. Even when I did the colposcopy and the doctor took some samples for biopsy, reassuring me that its just for safety measures, I had this feeling that now the journey starts and I am embarking in a very special trip meant for me to change. I was scarred because I knew its serious, but I just could not escape the feeling that my entire life I was preparing for this moment...and for this moment only.
I try to remember the first moment I felt that something terribly wrong was happening with me and as much as I try to avoid it I know in my heart that happened in the autumn of 2007. Every single doctor (and they were many) told me that there is nothing for me to worry about. I was missing my period for two months and they blamed it on the stress..."Don`t worry, this things happen, its normal". No doctor (even the professor) recommended further investigation, no one told me to go to endocrinology... I was feeling generally ill, but I could not put my finger on it, like the English say. If I only knew...
I was alone in this...my husband believed that I triked him and got pregnant. When I confronted him and asked him why this thought of me being pregnant is so terrible he replied that I am crazy to want a child at this moment in life...when we have no home, no money, no status, nothing...Not the words scarred me...but the look he had. Like I was the worst killer and he needed to kill me in order to punish me, to defend himself...and that he did. We have ten years of marriage behind us and he never had the courage to be happy...absolutely happy.
I know now that he takes this crisis we`re in like a punishment from God because he never wanted children. But he did not want the children now...he wanted them later. First he needed to put his life in order...I guess life showed him that he is not the master of his own destiny and now he must live with the consequences of his choices...I guess is fair to say that this is nothing...the future brings nothing of what I want...just like the past did. Believe me or not...I forgive him.
Now is the winter of 2007 and I start to see a permanent haze. Everywhere I looked people seemed to be covered in mist. I start not to recognize people but only if they are ten steps away. I have permanent headache and dizziness. My back aches and my feet are hurting...sometimes so much that I cannot sleep. I`m in a permanent turmoil. My body wants to rest but my brain is functioning at full speed. My husband is getting used to see me like this and he thinks that this is my way to get his attention...at least this is what I think, what I feel.
One evening I was coming back from work with a colleague of mine (later she became a good friend) and all of the sudden the haze is back...Its late January and my colleague knows about this problem that I have. She decides to lend me her glasses and when I try them on the hole world changes...I can see people, the haze is gone, and the feeling that I have in my stomach is gone too...I don`t feel like I want to throw up anymore. I need glasses....but just like that? Is this connected with what I have experienced few months ago? The doctor I consulted did not think so...I started to wear glasses and for eight months I forgot about my problems; then I started to see haze again. I went back to the ophthalmologist and she said that my diopters doubled. In ten months the problem repeated...I was loosing my sight very fast. Some other problems appeared: insomnia, fatigue, high pressure and...most of all...i was gaining wait. In a year my problems affected me so much that I went into depression. Because I have no one to confide in I have chosen to change my appearance.
I never told you what I look like. Originally I am brunette with blue eyes...I went blond. Edgy huh? Right...I am that. Think what my husband thought about my move...but I was feeling happy, I was feeling good about myself...until now.
I`m back in my car...going home...only few days ago I was celebrating my birthday...I turned thirty and life was never happier...little did I know that only the next day the first clouds will appear on my sky...And now...
I must prepare myself for the surgery. God only knows how long I`ll live...And a thought stroked me like a lightning, my hole body froze instantly: how shall I ever tell this to my family...my mother, my sister and my brother? God help me!
You see, I don`t have many people around that understand my condition...even now is hard for me to write about it. Funny, I always considered myself a fearless woman. But those words are still pounding in my head like a hammer, and my heart starts running wild every time I remember: "at this moment, the diagnosis for cancer is confirmed...do you understand? You will never have biological children...we will do everything to save you... trust me, after this you will have a normal live."
Is he joking? A normal life? What normal life? And what is this he saying...cancer? Not so long ago I was talking with another doctor that assured me that I can go ahead and have as many children as I want...I`m healthy and strong as a rock...an Iron Lady he said. Now I`m standing here looking at this other doctor and I`m smiling...I am amazed of what he is talking about...everything starts to develop in front of me like an old, bad movie...."you need to make some other tests, a CT scan and an MRI..." His voice was fading away as my mind tried to understand something ...to find a clue in all this nonsense...
I was tough. The doctor and his assistants were looking at me, trying to see something on my face that will betrayal what I was feeling inside...prepared if I were to burst into tears or make a scene... prepared to do their job, like machines. Little did they know that I was a machine too, trained not to show what I feel...ever.
I`m going home now with my husband. We are in our car. He is not saying anything but I know he is shouting at God inside. Even though I`m not saying anything, I`m crying ...I finally have the answer...funny...I never questioned the diagnosis. Like I was waiting for everything to start. Even when I did the colposcopy and the doctor took some samples for biopsy, reassuring me that its just for safety measures, I had this feeling that now the journey starts and I am embarking in a very special trip meant for me to change. I was scarred because I knew its serious, but I just could not escape the feeling that my entire life I was preparing for this moment...and for this moment only.
I try to remember the first moment I felt that something terribly wrong was happening with me and as much as I try to avoid it I know in my heart that happened in the autumn of 2007. Every single doctor (and they were many) told me that there is nothing for me to worry about. I was missing my period for two months and they blamed it on the stress..."Don`t worry, this things happen, its normal". No doctor (even the professor) recommended further investigation, no one told me to go to endocrinology... I was feeling generally ill, but I could not put my finger on it, like the English say. If I only knew...
I was alone in this...my husband believed that I triked him and got pregnant. When I confronted him and asked him why this thought of me being pregnant is so terrible he replied that I am crazy to want a child at this moment in life...when we have no home, no money, no status, nothing...Not the words scarred me...but the look he had. Like I was the worst killer and he needed to kill me in order to punish me, to defend himself...and that he did. We have ten years of marriage behind us and he never had the courage to be happy...absolutely happy.
I know now that he takes this crisis we`re in like a punishment from God because he never wanted children. But he did not want the children now...he wanted them later. First he needed to put his life in order...I guess life showed him that he is not the master of his own destiny and now he must live with the consequences of his choices...I guess is fair to say that this is nothing...the future brings nothing of what I want...just like the past did. Believe me or not...I forgive him.
Now is the winter of 2007 and I start to see a permanent haze. Everywhere I looked people seemed to be covered in mist. I start not to recognize people but only if they are ten steps away. I have permanent headache and dizziness. My back aches and my feet are hurting...sometimes so much that I cannot sleep. I`m in a permanent turmoil. My body wants to rest but my brain is functioning at full speed. My husband is getting used to see me like this and he thinks that this is my way to get his attention...at least this is what I think, what I feel.
One evening I was coming back from work with a colleague of mine (later she became a good friend) and all of the sudden the haze is back...Its late January and my colleague knows about this problem that I have. She decides to lend me her glasses and when I try them on the hole world changes...I can see people, the haze is gone, and the feeling that I have in my stomach is gone too...I don`t feel like I want to throw up anymore. I need glasses....but just like that? Is this connected with what I have experienced few months ago? The doctor I consulted did not think so...I started to wear glasses and for eight months I forgot about my problems; then I started to see haze again. I went back to the ophthalmologist and she said that my diopters doubled. In ten months the problem repeated...I was loosing my sight very fast. Some other problems appeared: insomnia, fatigue, high pressure and...most of all...i was gaining wait. In a year my problems affected me so much that I went into depression. Because I have no one to confide in I have chosen to change my appearance.
I never told you what I look like. Originally I am brunette with blue eyes...I went blond. Edgy huh? Right...I am that. Think what my husband thought about my move...but I was feeling happy, I was feeling good about myself...until now.
I`m back in my car...going home...only few days ago I was celebrating my birthday...I turned thirty and life was never happier...little did I know that only the next day the first clouds will appear on my sky...And now...
I must prepare myself for the surgery. God only knows how long I`ll live...And a thought stroked me like a lightning, my hole body froze instantly: how shall I ever tell this to my family...my mother, my sister and my brother? God help me!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
...in the beginning
Why kamala? Well, the short version...because edelweiss was taken :)... Just kidding :)
Honestly, kamala is hindi for lotus flower...and right now I want to be just like one.
Why baingani kamala? Since I chose to use a hindi word, I continued in hindi...and yes, you are right, baingani is an adjective...so the complete translation would be : purple lotus.
Why this name?
I like symbols. The world is filled with them and people use them all the time. Symbols can tell a complete story but only if you want to listen. If you are still with me it means that you use them too...so hello my friend.
The purple lotus is a symbol for strength, power, wealth. The lotus it self is a symbol for rebirth, strength and last, but not least...enduring beauty. Did you ever see a lotus flower? Its beauty is hypnotic...most of all because it grows out of mud. During day time its flower glows upon the mud and water and at night sinks back, but only to reappear the next day more beautiful than ever...Isn`t it wonderful?
As you must have guessed by now I need to feel like a lotus. If a lotus flower can reappear stronger and beautiful every day, I can do it too...and the description of this blog would than be: What does not kill you, makes you...beautiful.
Until next time, yours truly,
Kamala... Baingani Kamala :)
Honestly, kamala is hindi for lotus flower...and right now I want to be just like one.
Why baingani kamala? Since I chose to use a hindi word, I continued in hindi...and yes, you are right, baingani is an adjective...so the complete translation would be : purple lotus.
Why this name?
I like symbols. The world is filled with them and people use them all the time. Symbols can tell a complete story but only if you want to listen. If you are still with me it means that you use them too...so hello my friend.
The purple lotus is a symbol for strength, power, wealth. The lotus it self is a symbol for rebirth, strength and last, but not least...enduring beauty. Did you ever see a lotus flower? Its beauty is hypnotic...most of all because it grows out of mud. During day time its flower glows upon the mud and water and at night sinks back, but only to reappear the next day more beautiful than ever...Isn`t it wonderful?
As you must have guessed by now I need to feel like a lotus. If a lotus flower can reappear stronger and beautiful every day, I can do it too...and the description of this blog would than be: What does not kill you, makes you...beautiful.
Until next time, yours truly,
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